It’s around 11:30pm…I can remember countless nights last year where I was with Trey in his hospital room about this time…he would be trying to sleep and I would often be thinking, praying, reflecting, and sometimes writing (if I wasn’t tending to him of course). So, here I am…and I’m doing all of those things right now, but the context is completely different. Tonight, I’m in my own bed at home, my wife is next to me asleep and my other children are tucked safely in their beds…everything is normal, except there is no Trey. As much as I say that and am aware of that everyday…it just still does not seem real. I just keep waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
I think about Trey many times throughout the day. I think of him when I wake up; when I look at my children; when I see a picture; hear certain songs; observe other kids his age; see something funny and want to tell him; see anything super hero related, and on and on. He is always and forever will be in my heart and on my mind. My wife and I were at a basketball game last week, and the game after ours had a few of Trey’s closest friends on it…they were all in their uniforms and getting ready to play…and my wife and I just sat there…imagining Trey running around as he so often did. Those moments are like sharp daggers in the heart…daggers we will live with until the Lord calls us home or returns to set up His Kingdom. BUT…and this is big…the only pain is ours! Trey is better than he’s ever been and wouldn’t come back even if he had the opportunity. What he’s experiencing FAR EXCEEDS anything this world has to offer. We just miss him.
So, in the midst of all this…we have to keep carrying on, even though we don’t want to at times. I did a funeral service today, and, as I often feel during those services, I found myself a little jealous of a believer who had gone on to be with the Lord. There is such a large part of me that is ready to be with my Savior and my son. But, that’s all in God’s time of course…and while I am here on earth, I must be about His business.
I am so grateful for my precious wife though. It’s so incredible to have such an amazing gift from God in my life. We went to lunch today and talked, prayed, laughed and cried. I can totally be myself with my wife and she can totally be herself with me. We love each other unconditionally. Today, we wept together, just thinking of our son, and then rejoiced together, once again, remembering that God has TOTALLY healed him. It’s hard not to rejoice when we imagine where he is, what he’s doing, and most importantly, who he’s with.
But I love that Emily and I do life together so openly, honestly, and transparently. I love that God has given us to each other. I love that my other children are such gifts as well and that we can all be real and raw with each other. Our family is hurting, but also doing very well. Our kids are weathering these storms so well and I am so proud of them.
So, in the midst of such severe heart pain, we have much to be thankful for. Oh how we miss Trey. His absence has left a massive hole in our hearts and in our home, but God is carrying us. His grace is sufficient. And He is doing something so incredible that only in eternity will we see it’s full impact.
Tonight…I’m thinking of Trey…hoping to dream about him…hoping that when I open my eyes, Jesus has returned and His Church is with Him. Who knows…today could be the day!
Even so…come Lord Jesus!!!